I didn’t plan on blogging today. But I found myself with a small pocket of time and I was already in the basement switching loads of laundry over. The blog called to me. So I left the laundry basket on the landing and allowed my afternoon plans shift into soft focus and my feet to follow my heart into the computer room.
And now what? I think about writing on this blog so often but I never get here. Now that I’m here I don’t know what to write. It all wants to come pouring out, but I don’t have that kind of time. Regular blogging would be the answer to that, of course.
Hopefully there is a new laptop in my not-so-distant future.
I’ve been mentally reassessing my blog. Blogging is definitely a part of my life that I don’t want to let go. I learned that when I deleted my long time blog, Danka’s World. I still feel it was the right thing for me at the right time. I don’t regret it, exactly. After just a few months I found that I really missed blogging itself, even though I still felt that I did right in deleting my old one. So after a short blogging hiatus I started this blog. New. Fresh. Anonymous.
But I haven’t settled into it. I thought that writing anonymously would allow me to write about things that I think and feel deeply about without offending or embarrassing people in my life. In fact, I haven’t blogged about that stuff much, if at all, on this new blog anyway. And the thing that sucks about being anonymous is that you can’t talk to very many people about it.
And I’ve never really settled into the blog’s name or my silly moniker.
I’ve been thinking about doing it again. Deleting my old blog. Starting a new one. Danka 2.0 or something. Fresh. New. Public.
IF I decide to go that route, I’ll wait until I’m set up with a computer again. I can’t blog at work, and all of my other internet usage is currently being done from my iPhone, which is not very conducive to writing.
I feel like I could close this post here. Wrap it up, all tidy-like. But while we’re on the topic of reassessment, I’ll let you know that I’ve been spending some time reassessing other parts of my life as well. My job, for instance.
(For a moment I hesitated to write that, because one of my regular readers is a board member at the church where I work (Hi Aneta!) but then I remembered she is also a near and dear friend, mentor, all-around amazing lady and blogging is what brought us together in the first place, so pshaw!)
Just over a year ago, when I was about to graduate from university, I was pretty much begging and pleading God to give me this job. And he did. For which I am grateful. Except that I’m not sure the job is the best fit. I love my church. I love the people I work with. I try and do a really good job of what I do. I just don’t love what I do all that much. I feel like I’m bored 60% of the time. 25% is good and productive and the last 15% is stress. The things I find stressful don’t matter all that much, and I realize that stress is a normal part of any job anyway.
It’s the boredom that gets me most. I’m a receptionist. Being a receptionist is just not intellectually stimulating in any way. Or creatively stimulating. Or skill building. Or resume building. The worst part of the week is Tuesday staff meeting. I make coffee and compile sheets of data into neat little packets and greet my friends – all of my co-workers are my friends – as they come in the front door to gather in the Lead Pastor’s office. Sometimes I am welcomed in to go over calendar details and receive a task-list. And then I am dismissed. That’s the hard part. I believe in the work of the church. I am passionate and eager and want to do everything I can to contribute. I have been participating in the life of this church in particular since 1999 when I first met Jesus. But every week I am dismissed as the meeting gears up. I close the door behind me so that my friends can discuss ministry and vision and what God is doing, and they plan and pray together, and I fiddle with the photocopier or reorganize the filing cabinet or stare off into space waiting for the phone to ring. By myself. In the quiet. Tuesday staff meeting is the hardest part of my workweek because it is the time when I most closely stare this question in the face – what am I doing here? Not much, it would seem.
It doesn’t sound like I’m all that grateful does it? But I am. When I say I begged God for that job, it is true. I begged so hard. I feel like he is a Dad who let his little kid have something frivolous because the kid was just SO excited. That being said, just because God let me have it, doesn’t mean he called me to it, and in the past I have found it a lot easier to struggle through difficult, menial, and seemingly meaningless things, if I felt God wanted me there even if I didn’t always understand why. I don’t necessarily feel called by God into what I am currently doing.
I’m glad for my job for other reasons too. My husband is very publicly an atheist, so I felt it was a great grace and miracle that I would be allowed to occupy such a visible and involved role in the church at all. I’m not being derogatory about my husband’s position when I say that, but having diametrical beliefs in a marriage does bring some complications to life. We do pretty well, and I’m just thankful that our marital dynamic didn’t prevent me from working in my church that I love. There are lots of practical benefits. I just mentioned that all my coworkers are my friends, which is the truth, and how many people can say that? And the number one benefit of my job is what it allows in my life – to put family first. I work 32 hours a week. I basically work school hours. Being able to get back to my kids after school instead of finding other care for them is a luxury not many working parents can boast about.
So yeah. Pros. Cons. I’ve been reassessing my job choice but I haven’t landed anywhere with that one yet. I’m pretty certain there is a Master’s degree in my future. But that is a whole other blog post.
Thanks for reading.