In 2013, I am focusing on a different resolution each month. In January I would like to work on my self-expression, and am aiming to blog each day.
Somewhere along the line, blogging, which was initially such a great outlet for me, began to make me feel ashamed of myself. First there was the outright criticism. I have never experienced scornful remarks in my comment section from out in the blogosphere, as I know many bloggers have and for that I am thankful. But there were several instances where people close to me told me that that something I had written embarrassed them by association. Usually these were the posts that were the most important to me. No one cared as long as I kept things shallow and safe. Then there was the weird dynamic of people who I know on a casual basis who I knew read my blog, and who I knew even discussed my blog with others, but who never made a single comment and never said a thing to me about it. It was awkward to know that those people knew that much about me but were not interested in reciprocity of any kind. I felt like a bit of a circus freak and I never knew if they kept reading out of some kind of admiration or with the kind of fascination that is produced by a train wreck.
It began to weigh on me too much, and I gave up on blogging. But half a year after shutting down my site, I just missed it so much, and I thought I’d try again and I started up this here blog, but kept it anonymous.
But the shame remained. And I had lost much of my momentum. All that history I had with my old readers was dust and I felt like I would have to explain everything again. But I felt too tired to explain it all again. And to be honest, going from the readership I had to having to start again from scratch was a little disheartening too. I have to admit I liked the attention my first blog had.
So, this blog has sat quiet.
I miss writing. I miss blogging, and now that school is over, I miss academic writing too. I have had zero outlet. And I’ve noticed a shift in my own perspective that I don’t like one bit. I have started to think that pondering the profound and the deep aren’t worth the time. That trying to be better and do good aren’t important pursuits. And I’ve been less honest with my feelings in general. If something hurts, I keep it to myself. If I feel joy, I keep it to myself. I’ve stonewalled the whole world.
And even though I don’t write, I think about it. Every. Single. Day.
So in January, I will try my best to blog everyday. And even more importantly, I’ll try to be as honest as I can.
Writing makes me happy. Not superficial, bubbly, gloss things over happy. Profoundly, satisfyingly, reachingly, deeply happy.
So I will blog.
Happy New Year’s everybody. Happy 2013!