I’m oh… I’m okay.

Eternal optimist, I am not.

I’ve always struggled with depression, and I have had the experience of burning out from overwork. But I work hard to find every available solution when faced with a problem. I have learned tricks to keep my mood on the up and up (exercise!) and I am committed to Sabbath-observance, getting enough sleep and not overcommitting myself (this semester was a tiny exception with a short time limit) so that I can remain a productive individual and not crash and burn again. I keep my cool. I try and keep a smile on my face, and I keep truckin’ when life throws those little curve-balls.

But this week, man. I tell ya. THIS WEEK.

First. It is the end of March. There is still snow all over my driveway. All on it’s own, this can be a challenge for many Canadians. We’re holding on for spring. And holding… and holding…

Second. It is the last month of an insane semester. My brain is fried from the stresses and the pressures. (Almost there!)

Third – the news that slammed like a runaway truck into all of everything last Friday.

She doesn’t know how her body betrays her.

Because we’ve decided not to tell her. Not until we know for sure what will happen and when.

She is having a lovely Spring Break. So lighthearted and fun.

And to tell you the truth, Spring Break has been good for me too. We’re having a great time together and I find moments of joy and peace that are a cherished breaks from the other pressures. Life can be beautiful, even when it is hard.

She had an MRI about, what, six weeks ago? It was supposed to just be a check up. We found out the MRI revealed a condition where the base of her skull has malformed in a way that restricts the flow of spinal fluid. It has caused the scoliosis they think. It might have other damaging effects. We have a meeting set up. To make scary decisions. My husband went online and looked at some surgery videos. He told me that it is something I definitely do not want to see. So I don’t look. But the imagination, you know…

So, I’m okay when I don’t think about it, but then I think about it. I have to tell you, I feel so thankful in the midst of this. Thankful for the technology available to us. I mean, wow, right?

And when I curl up and talk to my Father about it, I feel peace. He always takes care of us. When my babies were small and I became aware of just how much in this life is out of my hands as a mother, I prayed to Him and just asked that he would watch over them and take care of the things I can’t.

My daughter’s condition is near invisible from the outside. Her specialist has said he is amazed that we even discovered it. I wonder if my God helped me to see it… I think so. And the MRI wasn’t really necessary. But it revealed something in a timely manner. I have to believe we have help here…

But I do still worry a bit. Combined with the fact that I’m already on edge from all the stuff, and I have constant assignments that need attending to that I just cannot afford to turn away from to take a breather.

And then today.

Today I found out that I am missing a lower level science requirement and WILL NOT GRADUATE this semester after all.

(I will currently avoid the related rant that I have been into the academic advisor’s office several times through the year to triple-check everything and avoid this exact scenario.) (Arg!)

I blubbered around my kitchen like a fool. For about five minutes. Because my kids had friends over and I didn’t want to be that crazy lady. And I was baking cookies (new recipe – so good!) and didn’t want to get snot in them. So I calmed myself down. But them I sat down at my homework and thought of all the work and how I took on so many courses just to be done this semester and the giant convocation happy-bubble on my calendar and the last SEVEN YEARS and I burst into crying again. And I went through the pull-it-together-fall-apart cycle several times. Then I called my husband at work and he made me feel better. (My husband actually went through this EXACT scenario himself. So he gets me.)

And then I did what I do. I continued making cookies, but put my homework aside and got to work on a solution.

Option #1: Take an online course and convocate in the fall.

Option #2: Take a summer course and convocate in the fall.

And then I went online to view my transcript and make sure no mistake was made – aaand no mistake was made. I think what happened, is that there is a second year philosophy course that is required for the Phil major which is being waived for me since they didn’t offer it this year. It is elementary formal logic and counts as a science credit and I think we’ve been operating all along assuming that was in there. Anyway – details – whatever.

But when I was looking at my transcript, a whole new possibility dawned on me. Academic Renewal!

Since I went back to school when my kids were 1 and almost 3 (they are now 7 and 9 can you believe it) I have attained an A or A- average every semester. (Yay, me.) Unfortunately, I had already done a year of courses in 1999-2000 which I bombed, which brings my cumulative GPA down to 2.94 (ouch).

Anyway, Academic Renewal is an option I looked at but didn’t pursue a few years back, so I looked it up online to see if it is a good option for me now. The basic deal is this: it is available for people who are in my situation. They bombed, waited at least three years to come back and then excelled. It wipes out anything from that first year that was under a C- (which would have been all but one) (I did have one B- and it was a philosophy course, surprise, surprise.)

I would have to make up four courses to still meet my grad requirement but all four of them would be first year courses which means that 1. they would all be easy As and 2. they would all be offered during the summer semester, which would mean that 1. my GPA would go from 2.94 to about a 3.8. and 2. I would still be done by the end of June before the kids are out of school and my possible job prospect begins, and 3. I could still convocate in the fall.

So. I meet with the advisor tomorrow to see which is the best option.

And I’m okay.

(And, this one here is a cutie) (Just sayin’)



4 thoughts on “I’m oh… I’m okay.

  1. I have also been praying about your girl’s spine after hearing that you didn’t get the best news … I’ll keep on praying. And for the Uni stuff, too. I had a scare when I was in my last year and thought I would have to do another semester to do one more paper, too. It turned out (after numerous visits to deans and HODs) that I didn’t have to, so I pray your case will work out in a similar way.
    It does sound like an anxious time for you guys at the moment. Sending prayers to the Big Guy, and big hugs your way! xx

  2. Pingback: An Empty Threat « The Open and Closed World

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