The Battle. It Goes.

So I’ve been having some anxiety.

When the first anxiety-induced panic session of the semester occurred I thought, “already?”
And I blamed it a little bit on January. And I blamed it a little on the adjustment period of the very sudden workload of five courses – which I have never experienced before – as well as a part time job, a family to raise, and an attempt to maintain regular exercise (which I would abandon if I weren’t well aware it is required to maintain sanity). I thought, “I just have keep marching on and to get used to it.”
And then there was another.
And another. (Maybe I need to exercise more – for sanity – but there’s no time!)
And then this weekend, I had the mother of all outbursts. I ran my husband over with a metaphorical truck. He just happened to be standing in the way.

I’m having a really hard time with the fact that I can’t get a handle on it. I will myself to deal. Then I find I can’t deal. I feel weak and silly. And I begin to wonder if I really am lazy, and I just can’t handle the number of commitments that other people can.

And then I remind myself that I am not just busy, I am beyond busy. That most people (whoever they are) don’t have quite the level of busy that I currently (and temporarily, thank God) manage. And it isn’t just the fact that pretty much every hour of every day is spoken for, but it is the additional pressure that comes with school work. Even if you get everything done that technically has to be done on a particular day, you still could be doing more, reading more, researching more, going over the material more, and so on. Those grades hover in the distance. They are not fixed yet. They shimmer. Are they A’s? B’s? A’s? B’s? (I will not even postulate a C) If you complete one assignment, even if early, it best to just go right on to the next one. There is no ‘done.’

So I talk myself down from panic and I get a move on with all my stuff.
And then suddenly, without warning, the anxiety hits again.

I know that everything I have done so far I have done well.

I know that it IS humanly possible to accomplish the rest, on time, and just as well.

I know that a semester is short and it will be over before I know it. (One month of four is already passed!)

Also, when I look at each thing for what it is, it is so much fun.

FUN:

  • Tomorrow I get to participate in a mock debate for my Philosophy of Science class and I get to defend astrology (that’s right, zodiac signs and all) as a legitimate science. Really? Where and when else will I ever have an opportunity like that?
  • I also have read several delightful children’s books: A Wrinkle in Time; Alice in Wonderland; The Voyage of the Dawn Treader; The Princess and the Goblin. Many (many) more to come.
  • I have had the opportunity to sit down in a cafe with my favorite professor for a couple of hours each week – all to myself – I don’t have to share him with the rest of a class – and did I mention he’s my favorite prof, not just any teacher, and we talk about Plato. Plato is so much fun. So interesting! And I get to take a deeper look – much more than is usually coverable in a regular course. How lucky am I?
  • And it’s not just school: Watching my kid play basketball. Wow. Fun. I even enjoy driving her to early morning practices. It’s all just so exciting.
  • And, can I just say that God keeps dropping these brilliant little reminders into my path. Daily. Gifts. Surprises. It’s like He knows I need constant reminders that He loves me and I’m doing okay and it’s all going to work out. He knows. Imagine that. (Dear God, please help me to not run over humans with trucks. Or vomit on them.) (Metaphorical trucks and vomit. Real ones too.)

So I stopped at five bullet points, (because there’s no time for more!) but really, there is so much more. It isn’t drudgery. None of it. I remember this and then chide myself for not enjoying all of these awesome things.

Anyways, time to go!

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