I don’t even know where to begin. Everything is a jumble. I keep feeling like everything is getting away on me. But then when I check, everything is actually just fine.
I had a mini-breakdown on Saturday afternoon. I had come home from work and then tried to dig in to the endless pile of homework, knowing we had to be somewhere at a certain time and only having a small window of time to cram as much studying as possible from the endless list. My hubs went off to they gym. The kids. Were here. They were being perfectly good. But they were in my face every 30 seconds. Which a) was preventing me from making any progress at all, and b) making me feel like the worst mother on the planet because even though they were being very good and I hadn’t seen them all day, I just wanted them to go. away. already.
The breakdown came shortly thereafter. My husband offered to go on to our evening plans without me, so I could stay home and study, but I decided it would be better to go. It was Saturday night after all. I’d been busy with some type of work from 6am to 10 pm Monday to Friday. My friend was going to feed me so I didn’t have to cook or clean or anything. I wanted to see my friends, because being with them is always awesome. AND my friend was going to take me to Zumba for the very first time. (Which I got about three advance hours warning on, right in the middle of all the crazy). I didn’t feel like going out and trying something new. I felt like crawling into a cave. But I knew that of I went, it would probably make me feel better.
And it did. And it led into a whole surprise evening of unplanned FUN that I hadn’t anticipated and fully needed. We Zumba’d – at a local bar, jam packed with ladies of all ages and fitness levels (before the arrival of the bar crowd of course). The beauty of this location (especially for a noob like me) was that it was DARK and there were no mirrors. By the time it was over I felt better already. And then we were invited to a girls house for tea and birthday cake (I’m off sugar currently, so I just had tea). And then we got the brilliant idea to go COLOUR THE WATERFALL.
If you’re not local, all you need to know is there is a waterfall from a creek that flows right through the middle of town. It freezes in the winter and mystery people in a mysterious manner always paint it. My friend had noticed during the day that the waterfall was currently just plain white ice – which never happens. So giddy mayhem ensued that involved food colouring, water balloons and water guns. All in the middle of the night of course. Then, late into the night, girl-talk with my pal in front of her fireplace while our men played video games in the basement. It was awesome.
So I spent the next several days thanking God for that wonderful surprise evening. The happiness carried me through the next few days which were insanely busy. And then I landed on my bed this morning after driving the kids to school and had a mini tantrum. Mommy guilt was part of the reason (again) (we had a disaster of a morniing trying to get out the door). It only lasted about thirty seconds though because my mental to-do list grabbed me by the back of my hoodie, pulled me upwards and screamed ‘YOU DON”T HAVE TIME FOR THIS’. So I got off the bed and whimpered as I wandered around my house. In every direction I looked there was a pile that needed attention – of books and papers – of laundry – a counter full of dirty dishes – dirt and grime and clutter everywhere. Oh and the things left neglected that weren’t even visible. The gym that I have neglected to visit since Monday. My GRANDFATHER who is in the hospital (again) who I have neglected to visit. The ever-growing pile of recycling at the church that I need to haul to the recycle depot (took one car load yesterday and there is at least one more waiting.) The books that need reading. The groceries that need purchasing. Everything.
But there was no time to fret. So I did something new. Instead of attempting to compile a list of things that needed to be done and that cannot conceivably all get done today, I grabbed a Sharpie and a piece of paper and wrote:
And then I calmed down and got to work and added something to my list everytime I completed a task. By noon, I had 11 items on my list, including dinner in the crock-pot (one less thing to worry about later).
This afternoon, I have been able to kick back with some tea and read (school books, but still). And now, since there is only an hour left until I have to go pick up my kids from school and start the next round of things that have to be done, I am allowing myself a break to do WHATEVER I WANT. Which is this, apparently.
I do feel a little bit sad, like I’ve lost the momentum I found this morning. It is nagging me a little, knowing I could get another couple of things added to my list right now. But hey. Everything that really needed to be done is done. Three weeks down. Eleven to go. I can do this.