Tonight, tonight*

It is the first of December and I feel that its a good night for something new.

Yesterday, at lunch with my spouse, I realized it was the anniversary of our first kiss. The last day of November. Lucky thirteen. I thought of everything I am not certain of anymore.

In the evening I thought of what is stable and was surprised again at the gambles that I am willing to take. They’re not the ones I had originally imagined. But they amaze me a little bit.

The last day of November will forever be a marker of what has passed.

Let December the first be marked by anticipation then. Trying something new. A fresh attempt. Excitement and experiment.

I was a blogger for years and then I quit. I’ve been taking a breather and contemplating whether I would be up for another try. I feel happy that I was able to wipe the slate. With a little experience under my belt I wonder if I can direct this thing a little better in the direction that I want it to go, and avoid some of the trappings that were driving me crazy.

I’d like to express myself without getting so much flack from my relatives, really. And I use the term ‘relatives’ loosely here. Internet flack I can handle. Personal flack in the form of “the things you write are embarrassing to me because of my association with you” sentiments are a little more discouraging. For a long time I ignored the voices (real and imagined) and wrote what I wanted anyway. In the name of freedom of expression of an authentic self. And I could have kept doing it. But it just wore on me after a while.

I contemplated the private blog thing. But it wasn’t you-out-there that I wanted to avoid. It was the the those-around-here. And only a handful of individuals, really. Most people are full of blog-love, or they just choose not to read, which is also fine. But if I made it private then the handful would be offended for being excluded. Some people just want to be offended. Because then they can feel like you owe them something.

That’s not all of course. I was in a topic rut. I wanted to stop blogging about certain things but felt people were expecting those topics. I wanted to try new things, but worried people would yawn. There were a zillion little tweaks I wanted to make.

Anyways. So I wiped the slate. And I had a lovely breather. But sometimes I just felt the urge to post. And I had no outlet. And I really missed interacting with the blogging community at large.

So. I’m doing something new. An anonymous kind of thing. I’m going to have fun with it and sometimes write exactly what is going on and sometimes I will just make it up as I go. Sometimes it will be deep and sometimes shallow. Sometimes it will be art and sometimes drivel. Sometimes depressing and sometimes bright and buzzing.

Here’s to tonight. The first of December.

*humming the Smashing Pumpkin’s song “Tonight, tonight” song as I compose this post.

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5 thoughts on “Tonight, tonight*

  1. So glad you’re back! An early Christmas present! ha!ha! Can’t wait to read more of your thoughts!! I will have to put you back in my Google Reader. 🙂

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