12 Saturday May 2012
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I don’t usually think of the Message being that poetic a translation. But I stumbled on Psalm 42 MSG just now and it made me pause. I wanted to share.
11 Friday May 2012
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Everyday I wake up with a different brain.
I recently finished my last semester of university and I have a job (90% sure) starting up the first of July. In the meantime I’m keeping busy. I’m taking that one final Astronomy course I need on Tuesday and Thursday nights (outer space, cool!) And on Wednesday nights I’m still doing scuba lessons with my dear friend (inner space, the final frontier!) and I’m keeping busy shuttling my happy kids from place to place and hanging out with people and popping in to my part time job when it needs to be done, and I do a little housework and yardwork and I take an hour here and there to sit down with a book and then there’s the C25K.
So I’ve got a good balance of keeping busy and taking some time to relax and enjoy life.
But I’ve also had some days where I wake up feeling overwhelmed with inertia. I am well aware that a large chunk of the things on my to-do list are simply busy work (organize the garage!) and I’m kind of buzzing around without direction or purpose.
Some days I’m a happy little bee, flitting around the flower garden of life. Other days, I feel absolutely lost and adrift.
And then there’s “the plan.” What now? Well, the job I mentioned is pretty much in the bag, and I am honestly so excited about it. It is my heart through and through. But it will also be somewhat easy and laid back. Will I settle in with peace into this change of pace or will I be bored and under-challenged six months down the road? It will be flexible enough that I will still be able to be here for my kids everyday (after school – we still have to figure out what to do for the summer months) which is exactly what I want at this time in their lives. They are asking so many questions and having so many new experiences. I want to be available to them at all times. Now is not the time for me to get distracted with a demanding career.
Last fall I was looking at a Masters of Library and Information Sciences program. That is still hovering around in my consciousness. I did very well in school, better than I was expecting, and my professors are nudging me in the direction of continuing my eduction in Philosophy, which was my major. I would LOVE that. And my husband has been part of the conversation and seems to be nudging me in that direction too. And he just landed a new job which would make it possible for me to plunge into that full time and not have to work. A dream opportunity!
One day I dream about the nice, “normal” job. The next day I spend a few hours writing and feel like committing to the path of authorship. The day after that I’m like, yes. I’m going do my masters and my PhD and become a Philosophy professor.
And there are other options too. The problem is not that I don’t know what I want. The problem is that I want them all. I have to choose. And I change my mind every day.
But assuming I get this job I’m hoping for, I want to be there for a minimum of one year before I even think about anything else. I’m tired, and I’m happy and I want to settle down and take a breather. Really, I could see myself in that role for a very long time. Who knows what time will bring. Who knows what God will do, say, and show me in the next year.
07 Monday May 2012
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Yesterday I posted my two tips for keeping my skin free of pimples.
The third thing has less to do with pimples and more to do with the way the skin on my face appears – dull and uneven vs even and healthy-looking. I’ve found that the trick for my best-looking skin is to wear as little makeup as possible.
This is tricky for me. I often give into the temptation to slather on the foundation and cover-up because it does look better. Especially for going out. We always want to look our best, and makeup can help with that.
But I noticed a few years ago that the appearance of my skin was really deteriorating, to the point that I was uncomfortable even answering the doorbell with a naked face. I noticed that men don’t have this problem, nor do children, nor do my girlfriends who don’t wear makeup. I also noticed that this was an issue on my face only. The skin on the rest of my body looked fine.
The skin is an organ, alive. It cannot be healthy to cover it in a layer of goop everyday, so that it cannot be exposed to light and air. I wanted to try going without, but was stuck in this awful cycle of feeling wretchedly ugly without it.
The trick for weaning myself off of foundation (I still like wearing eye makeup, I can’t bring myself to go completely bare-faced) was to switch to a tinted moisturizer. It seemed to do the trick and my skin tone returned to normal after only a few weeks and I eventually was able go with bare skin a lot of the time. I can just use a little of the stuff when I really want to look polished. Since I do really like to wear eye makeup, wearing a moisturizer gives the makeup something to adhere to and it lasts longer.
This is easier in the summer. I always manage to fall back into a foundation-wearing rut in the winter when I think I need some colour, and every spring I begin the weaning process once again.
This year I’m trying Marcelle’s new Beauty Balm. It is a little different of a product than a tinted moisturizer. So far, I really like it. I only wish it contained a sunscreen.
06 Sunday May 2012
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When I was a teenager I was one of those girls with a flawless complexion. All of my friends who were undergoing the usual barrage of teenage-hormone related acne hated me for it. Of course the minute I turned 20 I started breaking out on a regular basis.
I’m 32 now and I still get the occasional breakout. I’m in the middle of one now, in fact. Every time I have a breakout I wonder what caused it and I examine all I have been doing – eating habits, products I use, etcetera. With lots of trial and error over the last decade I have discovered the two – no, the three – most important factors that contribute to healthy, glowing skin.
1. Exercise! And the more sweat, the better. It is as if it opens everything up and cleans it all out.
2. Vitamins! If I get out of the habit of taking my vitamins before bed I notice several physical changes and one of them is that my skin usually goes to crap.
It doesn’t seem to matter too much what I eat or what products I use, but if I am being consistent with the two habits above, my skin stays pretty clear. And if I breakout, it usually serves as a reminder that I’ve gotten off track and need to get back on.
So those two tips are what I’ve found works well for me to keep the zits away. The third secret has more to so with skin tone and texture, and I’ll tell you about it tomorrow.
How about you? Any beauty secrets you want to share? Do you have glossy healthy hair? Pearly whites? Well maintained mani and pedis? What are your best tips?
04 Friday May 2012
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Over the course of my life I have tended towards melancholia. There have been times when I embraced that as a personality trait that has certain benefits that only other melancholics can understand, even though it is not a personality trait that the world celebrates. There have also been times that I hated it about myself and wished I could just be a “normal, happy person.” Whatever that means.
And I have always found it easy to express sadness in a way that other people understand and resonate with. If I am wrestling with a hard thing it is easy, natural even, to convey my experience to others.
I have a harder time with joy. Joy is a river in me that flows as swiftly and as deeply as the other. But it is a secret well. If I want and tell someone, all of my words disappear into the air and I am left mute. I can contemplate it. I can feel it. I can dance in it. But I can’t say it.
I see things that God is doing and everything within me leaps and expands. I am filled with wonder, peace, awe. I observe and I remember. It is a ribbon of remembered joy that connects my self of yesteryear with my self here, now, that is experiencing a new joy. It is a running narrative absent of language.
I think of St Luke, the only gospel writer who told, in detail, Mary’s story of Christ’s birth. A few decades later, after Jesus has returned to heaven, it is recounted so freshly. At the end of the story Luke writes, ‘but Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.’
I know what that means.
Do you?
30 Monday Apr 2012
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Last week I was sitting around at home working on those last papers and my hair was still a little damp from my morning shower and I had a great idea. Braids! Waves!
I used to do my hair like that all the time when I was a kid. Not so much anymore – I don’t have that much time to sit around. Well, I didn’t. But now I do!
It was fun. I felt pretty. I got compliments.
Ahhhh. It was so nice to take a breather today. It was the first day since I’ve been ‘done’ that I didn’t have work or general mayhem to attend to.
I visited with a friend, baked, completely overhauled my youngest daughter’s bedroom, hosted a kids after school Bible study (every Monday – so much fun!).
Oh, oh, oh. And I started C25K! Day one, week one. Success.
I’ve been feeling a little fat. I eat when I write papers. And it’s been four months of non stop papers. I made a pretty good effort to continue visiting the gym in the first half of the semester but pretty much fell off the wagon after midterms. It was hovering in the back of my mind. You’re going to regret this. I said to myself every time I skipped. And fast forward. Here we are. Regrets-ville.
We hauled out the summer clothes two weeks ago and I’ve noticed that things are a little – okay, a lot – tighter than they were last year. Uh oh.
So, I’ve been thinking the last few days that I should probably hunker down and focus on losing a little weight. I felt reluctant because I’ve been so full-on striving, pursuing goals and being disciplined (in other areas) that now that the insanity has ended, I kind of want to just take a break, and have no goals. And pursue nothing.
But. It’ll be good for me. I have all this time. I should probably do the work to re-set some healthy habits and priorities.
So, I began C25K today. I started it once before and fizzled out. I know several people who have completed it and are runners now. So proud of them.
Also, I would like to return to the routine I had this time last year of Monday – Friday trips to the gym focusing on a different muscle group each time. It was awesome. I felt so strong! I want to be there again.
Oh, and as soon scuba is over in May, dragon-boating begins. It’ll be my third year paddling. I can’t wait.
And I have a few eating strategies as well. Cough *drink less booze* cough. I have always been a pretty healthy eater and I love to cook. The problem is that I eat all the bad stuff on top of the healthy stuff. So I’ll need to address that.
I’ll keep you updated as I go. You guys have to keep me accountable.
26 Thursday Apr 2012
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Shazam!
It is two days past my last exam and this is the first moment I could steal away to post about it all.
First, and update on this kid:
On Monday she saw the neurosurgeon. On Tuesday she saw her spine specialist. On Wednesday she saw the orthodontist. Phew! But guess what – all good news!
We can avoid surgery for now, and the curve in her spine has decreased by 6 degrees! The power of prayer never ceases to amaze. There was no change for a year, and then after the MRI two months ago we really began to press in. We prayed everyday. I put it out to you guys, and we put it out to our church prayer chain. And then, this. Just, Wow. Praise God.
I discovered last Friday that I was not going to be able to travel to Vancouver with my family to make her appointments because my last exam was Tuesday evening, and there was no way we would make it home in time. It was so hard to wave goodbye to them early Monday morning. But I did. And then I hit the books hard.
Monday afternoon, I looked at my final marks online. And this is what I saw:
What a confidence booster! I am still waiting on two more marks, but this just made me jump for joy. An A plus is a rare beast. I can’t believe I got two in one semester.
And then, I went down to the university to pick up a few papers that had been marked. In the hall I ran into the chair of the English department. She came running over to let me know I had won a book award for being the top student in upper-level English courses last semester, but they didn’t have the right contact information for me so I never received it. She’s tracking it down for me now.
It was sort of surreal. I dragged my fat head home and tried to study.
On Tuesday night I had my final exam in my Children’s Literature course. The exam was worth 35% of my grade and there was also a final paper due (all about the treasure plot motif) at the exam worth 30%. So even though I was feeling like the course was pretty easy and I was feeling confident because of the other ego-boosters, there was a lot of pressure to perform on Tuesday. But I printed my paper at the last minute, flew down to the school and handed it in and started writing the exam, which was more difficult than I anticipated. It was one of those instances where you studied everything that wasn’t on the test. There were such obscure questions. It was weird.
After two and a half hours of mad writing, I felt I did the best I could have, but uncertain of how I really did. On my way out, my prof, who is someone I’ve never had before, will not have again, and do not really know at all, pulled me aside. He had marked the essay I handed in while the exam was in progress. He said, “we have awards for the best third and fourth year papers. I’d like to nominate this one. Could you please e-mail me a clean copy?”
So my ego was re-inflated and I went home. Done. The semester is over.
But somehow, life hasn’t slowed down yet. 
And look at those eyes. All of them.
23 Monday Apr 2012
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On Friday I was reading The Silver Chair, a book from CS Lewis’ Narnia series. There is a scene where the children, Eustace and Jill, have descended into Underworld and found Prince Rillian who the Great Lion Aslan has sent them to rescue. They have freed Rillian from the silver chair, but the witch who has been holding him captive for ten years shows up to prevent their escape.
The witch’s tactic is simple. She creates an enchantment that changes the atmosphere to one where the others are susceptible to forget all they know and heed her deceptive whispers. This is how she has kept Rillian captive for so long. She aims to alter their perception of reality.
She very calmly and reasonably presents the idea to them that Underworld is the only world there is, and there is no reality, no world up above. The lamp hanging from the cavernous ceiling is the only light, and they have only used their imaginations to change this idea into a fantasy the call the sun. They have seen cats in Underworld and through the same process have imagined a Great Lion. She says, “and look how you can put nothing into your make-believe without copying it from the real world, this world of mine, which is the only world.”
They almost fall into her trap, but their Narnian companion, Puddleglum, takes action to temporarily lessen the influence of the magic, wounding himself in the process, and in that tiny moment that he has everyone’s attention he declares,
“Suppose we have only dreamed up, or made up, all those things – trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself … Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one … We’re just babies making up a game, if you’re right. But four babies playing a game can make a play world which licks your real world hollow. That’s why I’m going to stand by the play world.
“I’m on Aslan’s side even if there isn’t any Aslan to lead it. I’m going to live as like a Narnian as I can even of there isn’t any Narnia.”
Puddleglum, the children, and the prince waste no time by allowing the witch to voice a reply. They defeat her, and make the journey home to the world above they know is waiting for them.
We all have moment of doubt as to the nature of reality. But remember where you came from and who you belong to. And act like it.
21 Saturday Apr 2012
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It’s bragging time.
I got my first final grade back for the semester. Ethics. A+.
*pats self on back*
20 Friday Apr 2012
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I love having those dreams that you are going about the mundaneness of whatever is happening in your dream life and you suddenly discover that you can do something you previously had assumed was impossible. Like flying. Or running at super-speed. One of my favorites when I was a kid is that I would be playing with the other children in the field at school, and suddenly found that I could jump several stories into the air.
I grew up on a lake, and love visiting the ocean, and swimming is one of my favorite activities (though I don’t go to the pool that often. Natural, open water or bust.) One recurring dream that I’ve had all my life is that I am swimming around and suddenly realize that if I’m am careful and steady and calm, I can somehow breathe underwater. Such a joyous and free feeling.
Well, on Wednesday night, I had my first SCUBA lesson with my good friend Liz. We had two hours of classroom time, learning how to put our equipment together and do all the safety checks (and about things that can go wrong – eek) and then we headed to the local pool for snorkeling practice. Finally, we donned our masks and vests and tanks and down we sank, to the bottom of the pool, to swim around and explore the bottom. The equipment was cumbersome, but through the course of the evening we got used it. Breathing underwater took some getting used to, but there were a few moments where everything worked somoothly and in those moments, it felt just like my old dreams. And that was exciting.
This is not me:
But soon, it will be.
We have another month of weekly classes, and then we get to take a trip to the coast for our open water test. I am so pumped! I never considered SCUBA until Liz decided to get certified and she invited me along. I’m so glad she asked me. I can hardly wait for our next class, not to mention a lifetime of trips undersea and under-lake. Maybe I’ll learn how to do some underwater photography. Now that would be fun. Thanks Liz!
